A Well-Versed Woman

My mental health issues have been giving me a run for my money. And my guilt over them? A crushing blow to my self-esteem, my intellect, my relationship with THE ONE who I love so, so much.

I can almost hear the devil laughing. Twiddling his burning fingers thinking up another way to torment me that I will allow.

Let me start from a few months ago - when I was finally diagnosed with bipolar II by a psychiatrist after over a year of debilitating anxiety (on and off for decades) and depression more often than not for 40 years.

It's too late in the game for me to look back and think "what if I had been properly medicated and gotten the correct treatment all this time?" kind of thoughts.

And then the GUT WRENCHING question of "who would my grown children be right now? Would all three of them still suffer from anxiety and depression? Would they be better adjusted adults? Would I have a better relationship with them?"

Oh, devil. You've truly bashed me over the head with emotional pain.

BUT. Yeah - there's a but.

But, Jesus.

My life is BLESSED, y'all. Despite what that guy up there has tried to do. I'll admit, my head is a mess and I am in a CONSTANT FIGHT with my mental health - but I can still see through the chaos in my head that God has blessed me SO much.

• I have the BEST family. I had the most amazing Mom for 47 years. I thank God all the time for giving me her as my mom. I couldn't ask for a better dad. I have two sisters and a super cool nephew who inherited my musical talent (story for another time). I have three adult children. One who has moved 700 miles away, but I'm super proud of her despite missing her until my heart is ravaged. My son has many multiple medical issues (physical and mental) but he's with me and we will get it figured out. And my oldest - she is on the spectrum. She is super smart, kind, helpful, and we have a really great relationship.

• I have a job. I've had it for 7 years and it pays my bills and gives me amazing benefits. And most of all - it gives me work friends who "get me" and allow me to be imperfect.

• I have a comfortable, safe home that I can afford and I enjoy

• I have cats!

• I have plants!

• I bought a dependable car last year!

• I wrote a book

• I reunited with one of my bff's last year

• I'm engaged to a really great, God-fearing man

I could go on. And I SEE these things and I keep a list of what I am grateful for and add to it EVERY day. I read my Bible nearly every day. I wrote out Scripture. I pray. I go on prayer walks. I listen to praise and worship. I DO THE THINGS. So, it troubles me that I am not happy. I sometimes wonder why God allows this torment to go on in my mind.

Back to a couple of months ago. I got to a point with my depression and anxiety that I wasn't sure how I was going to be able to keep my job. (*Please note - I have been treated for my mental health all along and see my doctor regularly) I sought out a therapist and a psychiatrist. I've tried a few different medications along with therapy for the past six-ish weeks.

I think I might be at a place where I'm fully ready to fight back. And this blog has to be a part of it. I need a place to think things through and share - even if no one ever reads it!

Time for Bible study. Fill me up LORD.

Sherry

aka Well-Versed Women